Agito - "F*ck! You haven't logged in yet! DO IT NOW!"

Aihara - "AGITO! SHUT UP!"

Agito - "...f*ck. You're really p*ssin' me off."

Aihara - "Look, if you're gonna be like that then just go home, Agito. But seriously, log in. Or register."

Agito - "......"

Aihara - "......"

Agito - "F*ck it."



 
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 Neon, Star

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Bloody star
F-Class Rider
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Posts : 7
Join date : 2011-01-31

PostSubject: Neon, Star   Mon Jan 31, 2011 1:25 am

Character NameNeon star
Age14
GenderMale

Appearance
He has blood red hair as well as pink eye's.He likes to wear loose clothes,skulls on his clothe so people could know him when he is coming.His height is about 5,6 as for his weight would be 114.He likes to keep his hands in his sleeve and never takes them out until its time to play.
History:
He was born into a good family of himself,his mother,his father, and older sister. His parents were kind to him and helped him with anything he needed. He always loved to play around as a kid ranning and jumping. He like the feel for it as he always runs to places all the time as well to have fun with all his friends he had.He then started to take a liking to AT which his sister used all the time.

His sister was a AT rider that rode them all the time, while he was a kid. She tolded him that he could use them when got older.When he got to age of 10 he always folowed his sister around and learning from her movements. When he finally got to 12 his sister gave him his first pair of AT which he wanted to use as soon as he got them. He learned all the basic's then started to improve over the years with his sister.She taught him how to maintain and upgrade his AT's as he learned to hack the system and build a pair from scratch.

Then his sister got crippled when he was 13 by a group of at riders for that he went mad. He came at them and his speed had increased as he fought the group until there was blood everywhere.He took his sister to the hospital, and they helped her but she can't walk anymore from then on.He was sad because of his sister and decided to quit AT but his sister told him to keep at it,to become one of the bests.

When he hit 14 he soon changed his personality because of what happened to this sister.He is a bit of a sadistic person towards other riders who get in his way and who are not his friends. He now wants to be the best out there and now will do everything to get to the top to live the dream for both himself, and his sister.
Personality
He likes to cause problems,and fight alot.He is a calm person when he is not wearing his at but when he wears them he changes in a bloodlust fighter that loves to play cat and mouse.He does listen to requests but only when he is in a good mood
Likes
Bloodshed,sweets, and having fun
Dislikes:
People who get in his way,people who talk to much, and slowpokes
Road
Blood Road
Team
Independent till further notice




Last edited by Bloody star on Mon Jan 31, 2011 7:03 pm; edited 5 times in total
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|K|arasu
Wind King
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Team/Position : Leader of Dead Air, Member of Sleeping Forest, Ex-T3
Road : Wing Road
Posts : 159
Age : 26
Join date : 2009-12-15

READ
READ: 100
Age: 20

PostSubject: Re: Neon, Star   Mon Jan 31, 2011 3:45 am

Alright, I'm not trying to be a hard-ass or anything, but some of these things HAVE to change.

[1] you need at least a couple sentences is appearance. that picture isn't really helping you. Describe his normal attire, how he looks and his measurements [height weight]. Anything that fits.

[2] put spaces between your sentences. a good practice is to put two spaces between sentences. also, making it longer wouldn't hurt.

[3] capitalize AT, it gets confusing for people.

[4] remove the bold from the text in personality, likes, dislikes and road.

Like I said, I'm not trying to be a hard-ass. RP is all about details, the more you have the better so its just better practice to do it all the time.

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Bloody star
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Join date : 2011-01-31

PostSubject: Re: Neon, Star   Mon Jan 31, 2011 4:22 am

Like this I redid it
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|K|arasu
Wind King
avatar

Team/Position : Leader of Dead Air, Member of Sleeping Forest, Ex-T3
Road : Wing Road
Posts : 159
Age : 26
Join date : 2009-12-15

READ
READ: 100
Age: 20

PostSubject: Re: Neon, Star   Mon Jan 31, 2011 5:32 am

Fixed your bold tags, and by "make your history longer" I didn't mean just break it into paragraphs. I meant contextually make it bigger, as well as visually.

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Bloody star
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PostSubject: Re: Neon, Star   Mon Jan 31, 2011 7:04 pm

Okay how about this
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|K|arasu
Wind King
avatar

Team/Position : Leader of Dead Air, Member of Sleeping Forest, Ex-T3
Road : Wing Road
Posts : 159
Age : 26
Join date : 2009-12-15

READ
READ: 100
Age: 20

PostSubject: Re: Neon, Star   Mon Jan 31, 2011 7:07 pm

Better. Not great, but better. I approve but as usual, Aihara will want to look at this before it gets truly approved.

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